[Rau] on love, travel & tangerines

Op 16 november 2020, jouw tweede sterfjaardag verschijnt [Rau] de engelse editie van RRRauw! in ebook op Amazon en Brave new Books

Deze dag lees ik om 11.11 uur op Facebook live WEEK 52 voor uit ons boek RRRauw! vanaf Chateau Dumas waar ik de strenge Franse Lockdown uitzit.

Ik heb in [Rau] een extra hoofdstuk opgenomen dat ik hier graag deel.

(past year)

Grief hit brutally hard the second year. It felt like sobering up to the fullest extent of your death after that year of first times as if someone had punctured my love bubble.

At the beginning of the Summer I sold our home in Arnhem. The house was saturated with our love, happiness and fun. The walls, floors and ceilings couldn’t bear any of my new memories. I drove up to Rumoro with your cremation urn behind my seat. For a month you took me on roadtrip to spread your ashes around your favorite Astrurian places ending at the Ruta del Cares.

One sad Sunday morning we met at the cementerio of Parres where you overlook the rocky coastline that hugs both the sea and Llanes. I spread some of your ashes around the family grave. In my best Spanish I explained to your abuelo y abuela what had happened to you and asked if they could take you in. I now have a place where we can date, chat and listen to Jij.

The second year felt like a continuing battle between wanting to anchor a new normal and clinging on to the old. There’s a fierce fight going on between letting go and holding tight. And at the very moment I wanted to crawl out of my grief cave coronavirus hit forcing me to turn inwards, pulling my energy close and learning more lessons about spinning around on my own axis. Grief feels like being in quarantine because of a total lockdown.

When autumn arrived you exiled me to Chateau Dumas where I have lived through my darkest hour. It felt as you had abandoned me. In our last seflie even your smile seemed to have faded into a wistful sad grin. Staying at the chateau I was that close to losing it all. Which was literally true since I had let go of our ground, Monty and you. Furry friends kept me sane. Bluey, Bella and Toby took me along on strolls through the forest letting go of my monsters with every stick to throw and fetch.

Ventura le chat au chateau showing up at my bed, feet and writing table to strengthen my heart power during this profound process. It was only after extensive stroke-cuddle-play sessions with Vennie that my heart softened and slowly opened up again. Through the cracks you returned at first with barely audible whispers. Switi, it’s time to release. Not knowing you hinted at something to manifest in the corporeal world. So you had to nudge a little louder while I was deeply grieving.

You came back at the end of October whispering, I want this ebook in English for my second deathversary. You took me by the hand through our amazing magical love story so you could radiate through me again. Now it’s fullfilled. Ventura is in bed tightly curled against my left thigh. I have a café d’amour in my hand. From our last selfie you smile your biggest smile ever while we listen to Jij. I am right here, Switi. Let’s have another beautiful day tomorrow.

Chateau Dumas, November 2020
Carina Elisabeth Wiegman

[Rɑu] tells the upbeat story of a colorful grief nomad who drags you along with the speed of love from the safe vortex of her cave through a full load of grief and the love that survives with humor when two lovers are forced to say goodbye in three months.

Loving well is an Art but describing Love and Pain so beautifully is a Gift.  KATHLEEN Williams

A dazzling Soul Adventure, backpacking the human Experience.

Heartbreakingly beautiful. Grief in its most vulnerable form, you’ll be hard pressed not to feel moved.


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